Shake It Off, Shake It Off!

How did I get here?

Only one day back from New York and I’m at it again. Despair. Worrying. Letting my mind drag me so far down to depths that I never even knew existed within me.

STOP. ENOUGH. If there’s one thing this amazing trip has taught me,restored within me, is faith. Hope. Belief in myself again.

It gave me back some positive. It gave me the perspective I've been digging for under the rumble of this past year. Pushing past rocks and grim, trash and sorrow to find some sort of gem, some sort of sign to help keep my faith alive.

I don’t know if it was the isolation and beauty of upstate New York. The time, freedom and safe, creative environment that allowed me to work on my crafts.  The sleepless nights, the grandeur of the city and lights that seemed too much to take in at moments. Walking everywhere around the bustling, busy streets or being surrounded by talented fellow artists and hearing/seeing their great work at the retreat and in the Big Apple. It helped to rejuvenate my spirits. Fill my well.

Skyline of NYC from Brooklyn.

I was in Greenport, NY for a week participating as an actress and writer in the Manhattan Film Institute’s summer program, Writer’s Retreat With Chazz Palminteri. After that I visited friends in the city and explored, soaking up the culture. As an actor I helped workshop materials of fellow writers and as a writer I got to pitch my own feature screenplay idea, read some pages from it and receive feedback. When I pitched my 7 or so ideas for features and pilots to Chazz and Tony they both kept telling me, “I like that – this, these are very good.” Chazz called me out telling me something to the effect of, “You need to pick one and just go. Stop BSing around and making excuses and just do it.” It’s true, I am. I was.

Sunset from my hotel in Greenport.

The retreat helped me remember that I am destined for greatness. As I think we all are. We all have many gifts to share with the world and as Chazz put it so eloquently in his one-man show turned film A Bronx Tale, “The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.” And I think that’s what I’ve been mourning over. The wasting. The waiting. The lack of money that has made me feel a lack of self – worth and motivation.

     Save The World - Swedish House Mafia

Then what am I waiting for? And if not me, if not us, then who? Who can we depend on to share their talents? We can't all be waiting for others to step up. To transform the world through art. "Whose gonna save the world tonight? Whose gonna bring it back to life?" Me. You. Us. Together.

Tony Spiridakis leading a Q&A with Chazz Palminteri
after a screening of A Bronx Tale.

I'll never forgot when Chazz was telling us how we need to think about every choice we make and ask ourselves if it's moving us closer or farther away from our purpose, our dream, what we believe in.

He used the example of the character of C in A Bronx Tale. His character was trying to decide whether or not to get into the car with his friends who were going to commit a crime. Are you in the car or are you out of the car?

I'm out of the car and I'm moving forward.

The best teachers I could have hoped for!
(Left To Right: Jeff, Me, Chazz & Tony)

Words cannot express my gratitude to all of my mentors, teachers, supporters, family and friends throughout the years and particularly through this dark time where I’ve found myself, a person of usually very positive demeanor and spirit, not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Jeff McCracken, one of the few professors and amazing mentors of mine from Chapman who I felt truly supported and believed in me from the get go and encouraged all my passions; writing, directing, acting and producing. He never discouraged me and told me I needed to pick a focus. He’s been like a father to me. And that’s saying a lot for me considering I’m estranged from my father and even when I wasn’t I still was in a sense. I’m extremely grateful for my newfound honorary father figure mentors and teachers from the writer’s retreat, Tony Spiridakis and Chazz Palminteri. Two wonderfully creative men with such honesty, intelligence and heart. I'm so grateful to have been guided and taught by you all at the retreat. I finished the first act of my feature and my outline for the rest is ready to go. It's just up to me.

3 Generations Of Amazing Friends!
HS, College & "Real World."
I'm Truly Blessed!

To my past transplants and newfound New York family/friends, I thank you for showing me such generous hospitality while exploring your state and city. I had the time of my life and I've never felt this way before - TANGENT! Pump the breaks! No, but seriously, I'm so grateful for people like you within my life.

And now that I’m rejuvenated, now that I’ve found a little bit of hope again I’m ready to …

"Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa"

Shake It Out - Florence + the Machines

So apparently I thought they were saying “Shake It Off” not “Shake It Out” this whole time. But whatevs I like "Shake It Off" better and it's my blog so I can title this entry whatever I want! Ha!

What will my next step be? In the car? Out of the car?

This inner battle of not believing in myself; not allowing my inner artist out to play as they stand at the closed glass door longingly staring outside as the rain pours. No matter the puddles, thunder and lightening - I want to play. I’m ready to play!

The Power Of Poetry

I truly believe in the the Power Of Poetry!

I remember reading and hearing poetry as a child and being transformed. I remember the first time I saw spoken word poetry performed in person at my high school. And I remember the first time I watched Russel Simmons on the HBO series Def Poetry Jam and being lit up by the power of words, of poetry spoken with conviction and passion. A beautiful mixture of performance and writing. Two of my biggest passions.

There were so many amazing poets (too many to even acknowledge and mention them all) that inspired and helped shape me as I grew into the writer that I am today. Shel Silverstein and Dr. Seuss were poets that awakened my imagination and inspired me to dream as a child. And as I grew into a young woman, poets such as Maya Angelou and Alice Walker reminded me what it meant and that I was allowed to be a strong, confident woman. They provided me with such faith and courage even when it seemed that all hope was lost.

Even though I still struggle. And have days where I feel defeated. I know that a....

‘Loss of vitality
Signals emptiness
But let
Me tell you:
Depletion can be
Just the thing.
You are using
Have used up
The old life
The old way.

Now will rush in
The engectic,
The flexible
The unmistakable
Knowing
That life is life
Not mood’

And because...

‘It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet’

I know that I will travel far. Perhaps...

‘...leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.’

All I can do is keep on going. Keep taking the next step. And hope that I won’t get lost and wind up in...

‘The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.’

Life changing lessons and anecdotes. Beautiful words, melodies and rhythms shared through poetry that helped to guide my life. I hope that my words, my poetry is powerful enough to one day to have that affect on someone else.

Rummaging through all of my saved old writing I came across TONS of poetry I had written when I was younger. In elementary school, middle school, junior high and a lot in high school. It was one my favorite genres of writing growing up and still is. But somewhere between the end of high school until now I completely lost touch. I had poetry within me but I would stifle ideas. Maybe scribble a word or two down on a stray piece of paper, in my quote or idea book but then close it and never finish. Leaving that poem to never breath in the light of day or grace the ears of another soul.

Reading “The Artist’s Way” has helped me get back in touch with my poetry and a buried dream of mine to perform my poetry publicly at a spoken word or poetry lounge.

Well that buried dream is surfacing TONIGHT!

Tonight I will be performing one piece of my reborn spoken word poetry.

If you aren’t busy this evening please join me at Da Poetry Lounge, 544 N. Fairfax, LA, CA, 90036. The first show starts at 9PM and the line starts forming at 8PM. There’s $5 cover. Get there early!

To all of the poets who have written poems that were never published, never heard or appreciated - this is for you.

As they reminded us in The Dead Poet’s Society, Carpe Diem!

Let’s go seize it then!